A Love Letter to Our History

gorzek's picture
Your rating: None Average: 6 (3 votes)
he burned a smile into his arm
she burned a mirror into her mind
and they burned me out of my hole
can't I remember? where did they go?

they said "we're sorry, we have no choice"
keep me silent, drown out my voice
they said no wires, and nothing sharp
just beds and pills and flourescent dark

REFRAIN
you never asked, "how do you feel?"
I never said, "I fear I'm real"
so don't pretend you give a damn
when what you hate is who I am

by the fountain the geese rose up
above the ground I never touch
it was perfect in its own way
you see, they only move
and they never stay

REFRAIN

just two weeks, not all that long
ten years past, now it's a song
I am only who I was before
nothing less, slightly more

thank you Cherise and thank you John
I do know now that we were wrong
maybe I'll see you, maybe you're better
or maybe you'll hear this and see it's a letter
just a letter
a love letter
to our history

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This is elegant and concise,

4
This is elegant and concise, in its own way.  The refrain bothered me more than any of the other lyrics (seems like more of a song than a poem, at least to me).  Something about the phrase "give a damn" broke the flow for me.  It almost sounds too formal within the context of this piece. 

"I fear I'm real" I think is also problematic.  It stands out, is almost too intentional for me to trust.  It's the only spot where the speaker of the piece seems heavy handed and desperate.

Didn't see the point of abandoning punctuation and capped lettered at the start of sentences.  I guess it adds something to the song-y-ness of the piece, but seeing it written on a page, still a bit disconcerting.

This is one I don't think a

gorzek's picture
This is one I don't think a lot of people comment on. I had certain intentions when I wrote it, but I don't think I was at a good point, skill-wise, to really pull it off.

Plus, it's biographical, which is always problematic for me.

I agree with your criticisms, anowalk!

i liked it. for some reason

vixenesque's picture
6
i liked it. for some reason it reminded me of ants.
idk. just sayin.... lol

I liked it,

Pythia's picture
8
I liked it, too.
Especially
"they said no wires, and nothing sharp
just beds and pills and flourescent dark"
 I'll try and write up a better comment when I'm not worried my head's going to explode.

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