The scene was completely empty. There was nothing. Black, was not the word to describe it, as “it” was something that defied description. Out of the distance that had begun to form, a tiny point of light appeared. It swept close, and became an orb. From one side it emanated a beam of intense white light, which shone out across the void like a searchlight, but it searched in vain.
Then it exploded, unleashing a wave of energy that tore the void to shreds, and then snapped it back into position like a massive three dimensional jigsaw puzzle, with microscopic pieces.
The result was a beach. The orb was gone, but the white light it emanated was replaced by a warm golden glow from the horizon.
The genesis was complete.
***
“Wooohoo!”
“What?”
“Pizza for breakfast!”
Jack jumped down the stairs and wished his creator was better at making up generic names. The beginnings of a tan was spreading across his skin, and his hair was already taking up that sandy hue it preferred in summer. The invisible hand that guided his life must be kind, because pizza for breakfast was not a common thing, but all the same, he clasped his hands together at the table and whispered a short prayer of thanks to the giant mouth in the sky.
“Thanks dude”
Across the table, a girl sat, wrestling with the tangle of venomous snakes that she called hair. A handle stuck out of it and Jack presumed it was a brush.There was a sort of sandy, golden colour around her, whether it was the strands of dark blond hair, or her light brown eyes.
“Yo, Juice me” Jack mumbled between the face-fulls of cold cheese and tomato puree.
The glass slid across the table, somehow managing to weave its way through the maze of unwashed cutlery and discarded or inedible “food”. Everything about the scene had that sort of beach-y, surfer-ish nonchalance, like everything was going to be fine, or a disaster.
Everything was going to be fine or a disaster. Jack told his creator this and he heard the rumble of disembodied laughter as the Mouth-God said both were good choices, and that it depended on whether Jack became an interesting person.
“Dude, you aren’t going to kill me,”
The thunderous stirrings of a giant shook the house with furious tremors. The floorboards cracked and decades old nails shot through the ceiling. Jack was so shocked he threw his pizza upwards, where it happily lodged itself on the roof. A vaguely human shape began to rise from the sand beneath. Shaking off the grains which hung to him like worried children, the Mouth-God stepped onto the floor of Jack’s kitchen.
Contrary to popular belief, the Mouth-God has a perfectly proportioned mouth. He is short, but not too short, and has wavy red hair. Apparently he is Irish, whatever that means. All Jack knew was that he was fond of the odd joke.
“Why hello dudes… wait make that dudettes” he added noting that Jack was wearing a flowery t-shirt. The Mouth-God wasn’t wearing a robe, or any other traditional God garb, just a pair of trainers, black jeans and a t-shirt that read “Available for parties”.
“Wow, that’s never happened before!” Jack exclaimed, as the girl moved towards the settee which nestled in an alcove, furnished with all the clothes from the last week.
“What did I call you again?” the Mouth-God asked the girl as she shook nervously.
“S-S-Sarah”
“Hey I didn’t make it far hotter than I like it just so you could shiver at me” the Mouth rebuked, and snow began to fall through the open window above the sink.
“C’mon lighten up dudes!”
So the girl -Sarah- stopped shivering.
“So, you may be wondering why a figment of Jack’s imagination is after popping through the floor. Well I am the God of your universe. Yeah, sorry dudes, but there is only one. So, anyhoo, I am a writer- Yeah no shiz! - And you are my characters. But you guys are BOOOORING! Yeah! I don’t care if you fall in love or slay the dragon (try not to slay my dragons dudes) just make it fun to watch, like those movies with explosions and boobs.”
“I’m sorry guys, but there needs to be a serious re-vamp. Besides, there are some things stirring in the wastes of this world.”
The Mouth stared off into the far distance, worried about some unseen foe.
Jack and Sarah exchanged apprehensive glances at this, and suddenly Jack began to worry about life, for the first time in a long time.
“Here’s the deal people,” the Mouth began to explain “There was some crazy stuff going down across the Ocean. In the land where the sun never shines there was a demon, of old, who once wreaked havoc upon the world. They called him Iso the Crazy, and he waged a long and terrible war against the other dudes of the world. Those guys were fun till he killed some of them so the world got angry with him and tore him away, sundering him from the realm of epic-ness.”
“But how come I don’t remember this!” Jack enquired tentatively as the Mouth God stopped for a very large breath.
“Well son, I didn’t want you to get hurt, so I took this world of mine and made it round, separating it from the land of epicness. But the spell has faded, and now Mouthtopia is about to land smack bang in the middle of the Land of Epicness. Be warned, a new demon has arisen! He is the master of evil! There are many friends who will help you along the way, but there are many dangers too! Be warned!”
As the Mouth-God said this, a terrific rumble began and Jack and Sarah rushed outside. The endless beach on which their house sat was shaking uncontrollably, and a whole lot of ugly was appearing on the horizon. Beyond the wide blues sea, instead of a great disc of sky reaching down to meet the waves, a great multicoloured patchwork of fields and Mountains and fluffy clouds was appearing, rising across the horizon like a pizza of intermixed colour. Deep blues seas, massive beaches, terrific hurricanes and stretches of white cirrus cloud pockmarked the massive disc of land and sea. Jack had seen glimpses of other planets in the sky, but this thing was most definitly flat. IT looked like a massive dinnerplate, cruising across the sky at a gradually increasing speed.
Gradually the disc spun away again, and the sun sank below the opposite side of the world, causing the stars to appear, then disappear then reappear again as the whole world spun like a coin blurring the heavens into streaks of sunlight, starlight, moonlight, and occasionally, the humungous smear of the other world.
Jack and Sarah stared back into the hall of their little house and saw the Mouth-God leaning back against the porch, smoking a pipe. He now wore a padded smoking jacket, velvet bedroom slippers and a pair of half moon glasses.
“Well dudes, all I can say is good luck!”
“Wait,” Jack shouted over the roar of the wind, which had now picked up, tearing at the ocean like a ravenous beast. “What are we supposed to be doing?”
“Oh yeah, sorry dudes, you have to kill that demon dude I told you about!”
“What?” Jack bellowed.
“Kill the demon, but don’t worry I set up a couple of guys who will help you out, just don’t let him destroy the world while I’m gone!”
“Where are you going?” Sarah screamed as the tiles began to peel of the roof and the sand sprung off the beach like flour off a pastry.
“Well I am a writer guys! I’m off to write a book. Look! Just go find the King of Crows and he will fill you in.”
Before either of them could protest the Mouth-God stood up straight, blew a smoke ring into the tempest and raised two fingers in a mock military salute before disintegrating into a billion grains of sand and was swept away with the rest of the house.
Jack and Sarah clung to each other as the disc swept up again, this time lazily inching across the firmament like some slow motion dinner plate. Then it sank for the last time.
There was silence for a second, throughout the whole Universe, before a terrific crash shook the bones of the earth, and blackness took over their minds.
Let's see what we have here
I can't help but feel that the above two paragraphs should be condensed into one. Also, But here should be incorporated into the preceeding sentence.
Okay, the above paragraph is quite convoluted, and not the easiest to understand. That weird on it's own at the end needs improving as well, it just sits there, not doing anything.
This is picky, but then picky is what I like to do. You need more punctuation here, it's severely lacking, almost devoid in some places. It doesn't require much, just something to leave you with:
*** "Yo, juice me," Jack mumbed, between the face-fulls of cold cheese, and tomato puree. ***
Yeah, this could use some work on it. The floorboards cracked and decades old nails hot through the ceiling. ? Not sure what this means, are the nails hot, or is this a typo? Jack was shocked so much he threw his pizza upwards where it happily lodged itself on the roof. Not good. ***Jack was so shocked*** You also seem to be missing an amount of commas here. People are going to start thinking I'm having a love affair with commas, as I always seen to hark on about them, but they are important and need to be put in the right places.
You change the tense and tone around quite a lot here. You tell it as a story, then suddenly add some observations in another voice. I'm not sure it works.
And just because I can, I'm going to leave you with a few words which would form a damn lame critique were they to be quoted on their own:
Good work!
Heh, I wrote this while
Thanks for the uber-detailed feedback!
mama, I'm scared...
Leland is correct. You have some grammatical problems. Let me pick out a few that he didn't get to.
First of all, all the dudes makes me feel like I'm lost in some nightmare California surfer land. I see what you're getting at but intersperse it with a few man's or something just to break it up slightly. I mean, I say dude all the time but that is too much for me to handle.
Second of all, the commas need some work. Although Leland was incorrect when he said you should change "Yo, juice me," Jack mumbled between facefuls of cold cheese(,) and tomato puree." A comma does not belong there. Really. Maybe just try rewording the whole sentence for better flow and clarity, although I didn't think it was bad on its own.
P.S. tomato puree is disgusting. ugh ugh ugh.
I love the half-moon glasses and smoking jacket. Hmmm. The pipe should be glass, no doubt, but that's personal choice.
It feels overall as though you were taking a lot of care (so to speak, the entire thing feels crazy and spur-of-the-moment) and as you went, you sped up and started throwing details in left and right. I was interested by the King of Crows, though I would have liked to hear just a little bit more about it. Something else to get me hooked.
"Jack and Sarah clung to each other as the disc swept up again, this time lazily inching across the firmament like some slow motion dinner plate. Then it sank for the last time."
A better/clearer explanation of this would improve this. It gets really chaotic and rather rushed feeling at the end. I suggest slowing the pace down by adding a few more details--it goes so fast, the reader starts to feel a little lost.
On the other hand, this is really great stuff. Probably the most interesting first chapter I've read of anything in a long time. I would absolutely love to see where you go with this, if you do. I do like bizarre things, though.
"And make it fun to watch, like those movies with explosions and boobs."
Awesome.