Untitled (cuz i cant think of anything...)
Everything starts in a pool of Light
An illustrious phenomenon we call Life
And from Life's lips we sweetly drink,
Two world, Heaven 'n Hell, not mortally linked.
As mortals we walk a line a hair thin,
A balance of Darkness and Light within,
yet we are nothing but stupid children,
Since blind leads blind, we all see to sin.
Everything ends in a sea of Darkness
A soft little Death as we pass through the Arches
And from Death's lips we kiss Heaven,
Now we cross the line for holy bread, unleavened.
Initial reaction is it needs
It reads like strange prose. There are too many words used to get the story out. You hint at more meaning with the use of concepts but you appear reluctant to finish them. There is cliche here not in and of itself a bad thing but it should serve a purpose not be the purpose. It is like you got an idea and then got mugged by the words don't get wrapped up in trying to make a poem just puke the words onto the page then when that is done go to work with the scapel to traim away the bits that are not poem or not needed to support the poem. Then examine the results if you like share it and if you don't redo til you do including the rethink when needed.
This poem attempts the large and largely misses.
All that said sounding all negative and such is just my opinion. Lets go after some of the positive (sorry for the generalities) The concepts you are describing could be summed up thus: We are born, We do smoe stuff, We die and face judgement. Not much of a poem but basics are usualy not.
The first part
Everything starts in a pool of Light This alright but not much by itself
An illustrious phenomenon we call Life This not needed
And from Life's lips we sweetly drink, This is ok but no AND needed
Two world, Heaven 'n Hell, not mortally linked. this is for the next part.
Summary
Everything starts in a pool of Light This has some rhythm and is
from Life's lips we sweetly drink, the same message only stronger
not mortally linked to Heaven or Hell all these words are good and yours.
First sips are sometimes accurate and sometimes not. I want you to see what I did I will sip again and may change my feelings on this or not, If you change this at all please PM me so I cvan come see what you did.